Skydiving (Part 2): Reality Bites

So, having said much positive stuff in part 1, why in the world have I changed in so little time, and in so drastic a way?

LOVE.

As simple as that... I fell in love.

The first year had been the best of my life. It still is. I had been literally swept off my feet. I was mesmerized. I felt loved beyond any boundaries of distance, reason, time and space. We shared our dreams, and the lives we hoped to live in the future. Our futures met.

And then, the second year, reality sets in.

Perhaps my awareness has missed it happen, but it did. By now, I am whisked away very deeply into the dream that I had purposely chosen to set aside. It is a bit late when I realize that my chances for New Zealand have now become as slim as thread. Gradually, love has willed me to forego a careerwise successful life and I found myself pursuing the dream in the bubble, hoping and working and nurturing it so that it comes true and doesn't burst or fade away.

If only me and my love are pursuing the same dreams we shared in our first year. Little did I know, that my lover probably had not grown the same way I did. I had believed that I had been the reason he came to my country. Just like the dream in the bubble, it burst in a short span of three months. He now lives his dream of working in another country, bit by bit his reasons for coming to ph change, and I sat by helpless just watching it unfold before my eyes. He loves me, but he forgets. I have felt, for a time, he struggled to see a reason for me in his life.

I had to learn a bitter truth, he has found his niche without me. The dream job, the attention and the beautiful women, his longings have changed and I probably will never be enough for him. The moment I sensed it, I worked so hard to physically attain the impossible in a span of one month. I lost the kilos I aimed to lose and I wore my dream clothes again. I've turned heads when I walk the streets and I know I am attractive to men but unfortunately, not to the one man I cared most to see it. Somehow I feel deficient to this one man who mattered most. It is a fact I accepted with much humility, grief and episodes of depression. I found myself in a constant struggle for my self-esteem.

In my quest for enlightenment, this blog has helped me more than I can tell you. It comforts me to think that I have a witness somewhere in the wilderness and I am beginning to find some meaning again. I have at least another vision of myself, an new self-perception, and I remember the person that I am. Self-assured but not arrogant, independent but emotionally available, perhaps a bit awkward in love but still happy nonetheless. I want to figure out what to do now with my dreams at least, new zealand could be out of reach but I also don't want to stay in the rut and stagnate at my bureau. I feel it, a whole life waits for me out there. I want to dance, I want to travel, I want to love, and I want to live!

I don't want to chain him with our promises to each other. Freedom was at stake for him for a time. Well, I have set him free of those promises. I would rather have a man who gives himself to me freely. I don't want to expect more than what he can give. I am glad to see, he is honestly willing to do the tango with me (because it takes two to tango). I know I am not getting any younger, but life is where my heart is. The only thing that I want to do now is to be closer where he is. To love him, before the love fades away. I would rather risk pain than wonder for a lifetime what could have been. For as long as I can cope with all the aches, I tend to give love freely.

Indeed, the best things in life, afterall, are FREE.

I had a sms once:
You gotta dance, like no one is watching
Dream, like you'll live forever
Live, like you're gonna die tomorrow,
and Love... like it's never gonna hurt

I now once again, realize, I am stubborn in love. It's like skydiving. As for the little dreams I had, I must find a way to revive them Or make new ones.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

So off, I will go. Into an unknown future, my confidence lies only on that fact that God will never leave me to face my struggles alone. After solidifying my resolve, I went to the mall and finally booked my plane ticket to Manila.

So help me God!

-------------------------------------------------------------
The least of things with a meaning are worth more in life
than the greatest of things without it. -Carl Jung-
-------------------------------------------------------------

Skydiving (Part 1): Who...

... was I?

This question has been bugging me since I realized that I'm in this quarter-life crisis phaze. I wanted to remember who I was two years ago after my closure. Perhaps I could regain some self-esteem and make lemonade out of all the lemons I seem to have these days. Who was I?

1. Although I cared a lot for family and friends, I had been a really happy-go-lucky person.

I seemed to have had no worries, and people at work have said it that much. I had two mature friends who have gone to the other side now, they have passed the other world last year, one due to stroke and one due to cancer. I remember on separate occasions they often pinch my cheeks or my arm and say, you are such a happy person. I attracted the right kind of people into my life.

2. I had fun everywhere I go.

Sure, life had some burdens for me. But I always managed to see them lightly and enjoyed staying afloat. Everywhere I go, I can grab my guitar along or just go by my self and just be in the moment with the guys and the gals. The people around me truly enjoyed my company. I didn't have to hide any doubts, sadness, worries or foreboding about the future.

3. I expressed myself really well.

And most of all, I didn't really care if people think me cool or uncool. I went to mass, I dressed eccentric, I loved wierd music and didn't care if anyone approved of it. I shared my soul to people who welcome it, my friends, my students, my colleagues. At work, I had been more than delighted to have expressed myself through my work. My ideas, although not always excellent, were honest and lined only with good intentions. I had worked my way and didn't expect a promotion, and yet it came. I have proven my expertise and have gained the respect of my superiors.

4. My future was clear to me

Although I had an ultimate thought that I would have a husband (who loves me of course) and children (three) in the (far?) future, I never did think of pursuing it like a hound. It was a dream in a bubble, back then, I hardly mind if it floats my way or if it bursts. I didn't even care if I had a somebody or none at all. An old heartbreak had made me not hunger for that kind of thing. I had been asked out on dates and had some funny and memorable experiences in the romantic arena. And least to say, I didn't really do anything to pursue that dream, I had set it aside and enjoyed my single life immensely. The only promise I made to myself in that area of my life, was that if I ever take a boyfriend again, it will be with the blessings of God, and my parents. I will honor them, because I failed to do that in the past.

Through all that, I did have a goal that was attainable and realistic: If I didn't have family when I come of age, I would be an accomplished worker with a really good job. I job that holds me in high regard, I wanted my opinions to matter professionaly. By that time, I also would have a stable income and a place of my own. I will have time and have the means to help my parents and my brothers. The social security in ph is almost useless and I specifically sought to be able to help maintain my parent's lifestyle even beyond their prime years. I longed to host my family's vacations, perhaps to a beautiful but expensive place such as EU without them having to worry about the spending. I myself wanted to travel and most of all I wanted to just give back.

In my mind, it was clear, I WILL earn well and I WILL live well. My determination had been unshakeable. I had my sights to live and earn in a peaceful and progressive country that welcomes my abilities. Back then, New Zealand was my future.

-------------------------------------------------------------
The least of things with a meaning are worth more in life
than the greatest of things without it. -Carl Jung-
-------------------------------------------------------------

Sony Ericsson to Nokia

Long ago... somebody chose my mobile number at random and asked me for help on using sms. Back then, I had been friendlier and understanding about anonymous sms. I did not even know it was a guy, the sms was more like:

hi i hv new. help

Naturally, the word 'help' prompts me to act (in chivalry? I don't know). The sms exchange was pleasant and I ended up speaking on the phone to him and his 'big sister' (who introduced herself as Ann). What surprising was then in the later days he ended up in love with me, he declares that he was coming to my city. Let's call this guy by a fictional name: Aldrin. Now, I remember telling Aldrin, he should be afraid to go where I am. I am in the South where people get kidnapped. Aldrin gets more serious and a few days later, 'big sister' started sending me some snide sms that I am leading-on her bro. I sms-ed back, your 'bro' is an adult, why don't you ask your 'bro' what he's been texting me. Then, never again did I sms-ed that number.

A year later, another anonymous number began texting me. Then finally, the anon calls me, and almost as if the same case, he later declares he fell in love with my voice. Finally, I asked him where he got my number. And he said from his co-worker who always mentioned my name and can't seem to forget about me. And then I knew.

I learned from him later that Aldrin's 'big sister' had been in fact Aldrin's fiancee, who by that time (which was a year after) became Aldrin's wife. Aldrin feels guilty that he lied.

Yes, that game had backfired on them pretty much.

Interesting story?

Ok, the present now. Today is worth noting a particular mobile correspondence between me and my one and only.

baby: Hello y am not a goed es em sser. Can joe help me? Fank joe.
gaille: huh? this obviously aint for me
baby: Yes is vor joe
baby: Joe told me story of somebody who tekst joe, I was just wondering how he tekst joe
gaille: oops! I hope joe will sms good next time and I also hope, that joe, is a man
baby: Joe is you...:-)
gaille: no sense baby. am sometimes naive, but not dumb

The situation long ago had been so far from my mind. Little did I know that my one and only was emulating the experience I had long ago. I had somehow connected this to that little voice in him, that make him do things that drive me nuts. I honestly did not think it was in him to send me an sms like that, asking me for help how to sms. And he is no 'Aldrin'! to me, he is too smart to not know how to sms.

So for all you struggling with the reliance issue, when reliance is damaged it can be hard to earn it and hard to give as well. But we are working on it, and our willingness has won much more than half the wrestling match. When things like this come up, I just want to talk it out.

There will always be misunderstandings, just get through the hurdles because after those, comes the solid foundation.

So, I called him up to get things clear, he didn't pick up :(.

A while later he does call. Only then did I get the laughs.

But ok, he had been a bit upset and I am really sorry now I spoiled the joke. I can only vow to make it up to him and I hope he tells me how.

I guess, today, my the getup had been a case of Francesca Bruni on nokia and he, Giacomo Casanova on sony ericsson!

Another precious lesson learned.

-------------------------------------------------------------
The least of things with a meaning are worth more in life
than the greatest of things without it. -Carl Jung-
-------------------------------------------------------------

Your Choice of Spices

Even when it helps us become wiser, quarter-life crisis can bring out a lot of thoughts and emotions that we all might not know how to deal with.

One problem with me is the fact that I know, thougths are powerful things. It controls the will, and sometimes even the outcome of your day. Often my perspective draws some extremely powerful thoughts, unfortunately, I don't know how to control my own thoughts.

It sometimes brings my world into utter chaos and there is a need to divert all those thoughts into some other verbal or non-verbal forms of fulfillment. Positive ones, for my sake. Anyways, all I feel these days is that I want to do something extremely creative, whether a visual presentation or physical performance that exhibits some form of artistry.

I have recently re-discovered three dance schools in the city in my quest to find something that brings out my passion.

The first one I visited had been quite disappointing. Not only was it expensive but the whole place, it seemed, did not improve over the years. The studio was too small, and the mirrors look as if they can't be touched, else they'd dangerously break to pieces. Look... but don't touch!! LOL.

The second one, was bigger and more modern. I like it there with their choices dance. I have been there before and took up modern dance, this time I think I will take up Latin Dance. They also offer yoga. I like that.

The third one, is a ballet school. That's a bit late for me don't you think?? I took tae kwon do in my younger years and I know my bones are not geared for ballet! Anyway, the advantage of this school is that it also has theater arts. We'll see.

All these I have reported to my girlfriends. They are still enthusiastic about ballroom dancing (as I am also) but the sessions are really short and too much for our pockets. So, I think I would settle for Latin Dance, I try it on Saturday. And if it's not enough... maybe try some yoga.

-------------------------------------------------------------
The least of things with a meaning are worth more in life
than the greatest of things without it. -Carl Jung-
-------------------------------------------------------------

Blunderful Moments

One morning after a breakthrough in our relationship, my biggest love wakes up in the morning, pulls me to himself and tells me, "Gee baby, you know... You look gorgeous in the evening, but in the morning... you look wierd". Aargh!

Ok, this depends how I take it, it's like a comedy show. I will now delete the last few words:
"Gee baby, you know... You look gorgeous".
LOL. Ahh.. there, Thank you, thank you...

When was it when I and my one and only had some fairly difficult weeks. We live far from each other and have only a chance to see each other once in a month. There was a time when our communications has dwindled and I was beginning to fear it would drop to a grinding halt. Little does it help that he is indeed one of the most attractive fellows in the city and it is not surprising to me at all, that he enjoys the flirtatious games played on him. He has his reasons for that.

But here comes Fear, a relationship killer. It drove me to "look" and lo! I did find. I had my reasons for that. I felt betrayed having found something and the trust issue simply got out of hand. It's been tough for me and almost unintentionally, I have recently learned that I have something in common with the paranoid chick in The Little Black Book. Fortunately, my lover has the penchant to understand me, and is willing to make some concessions. By now, he is also able to affectionately laugh at my excursions. For now also, I take care of me and am positively making up for my blunders. How?...

With huge effort and lots of communication, we were able to get through. My big love had it in him to make some adjustments and also honesty from each of us played a big role. Love afterall, is give and take. It pays to invest time and effort for such talks especially because we are far away from each other. Most of all, being open to what the other person has to say and accepting each others views is really important. In the beginning, some words may hurt, but the freedom to say things and allow the other person to be himself paves way for better understanding and acceptance that goes both ways.

It depends then how you take it, because it is true that there are two sides of a coin. We have given an effort and learned much to see the positive side of it all... and this clearly opened the way for more of these: Love, Trust, Respect and a lot of Humor.

I guess we each have our moments. What is vital is that we know where we stand in each others lives (and loves!),. It takes two to tango even through all the differences and we work our way through, UP from all the downs.

-------------------------------------------------------------
The least of things with a meaning are worth more in life
than the greatest of things without it. -Carl Jung-
-------------------------------------------------------------

Starting Off

Hello, friends? er... romans? countrymen?

My name is Abigail Privaldos, let me welcome you here. I am glad you have found your way to my new blog. Although my blog title figuratively sounds like a little songbird, you'll find its 'lyrics' are in no way predictable. Just because...

I'm not a bird.

You may occassionaly see here the opinions of a girl going through the surge and upheavels of her life. Uh, often, I see myself from the perspective of a third person and ok, by no means are my experiences uncommon to many. Maybe just like you sometimes I strive or not strive (when I get sick and tired) to be more than honorable and decent, because, uh...

I'm not a knight.

The blog title also sounds like I'm about to be honored by kings and queens, be it from the castles or the slums. I don't mind really, I love people. Men ;) especially. lol. And finally, I'm out to defend... myself, from the forces of my emotional nature by releasing them rather than bottling them within. Just because...

I'm not a bottle.

Here is my life. Enjoy ;) ...