Skydiving (Part 1): Who...

... was I?

This question has been bugging me since I realized that I'm in this quarter-life crisis phaze. I wanted to remember who I was two years ago after my closure. Perhaps I could regain some self-esteem and make lemonade out of all the lemons I seem to have these days. Who was I?

1. Although I cared a lot for family and friends, I had been a really happy-go-lucky person.

I seemed to have had no worries, and people at work have said it that much. I had two mature friends who have gone to the other side now, they have passed the other world last year, one due to stroke and one due to cancer. I remember on separate occasions they often pinch my cheeks or my arm and say, you are such a happy person. I attracted the right kind of people into my life.

2. I had fun everywhere I go.

Sure, life had some burdens for me. But I always managed to see them lightly and enjoyed staying afloat. Everywhere I go, I can grab my guitar along or just go by my self and just be in the moment with the guys and the gals. The people around me truly enjoyed my company. I didn't have to hide any doubts, sadness, worries or foreboding about the future.

3. I expressed myself really well.

And most of all, I didn't really care if people think me cool or uncool. I went to mass, I dressed eccentric, I loved wierd music and didn't care if anyone approved of it. I shared my soul to people who welcome it, my friends, my students, my colleagues. At work, I had been more than delighted to have expressed myself through my work. My ideas, although not always excellent, were honest and lined only with good intentions. I had worked my way and didn't expect a promotion, and yet it came. I have proven my expertise and have gained the respect of my superiors.

4. My future was clear to me

Although I had an ultimate thought that I would have a husband (who loves me of course) and children (three) in the (far?) future, I never did think of pursuing it like a hound. It was a dream in a bubble, back then, I hardly mind if it floats my way or if it bursts. I didn't even care if I had a somebody or none at all. An old heartbreak had made me not hunger for that kind of thing. I had been asked out on dates and had some funny and memorable experiences in the romantic arena. And least to say, I didn't really do anything to pursue that dream, I had set it aside and enjoyed my single life immensely. The only promise I made to myself in that area of my life, was that if I ever take a boyfriend again, it will be with the blessings of God, and my parents. I will honor them, because I failed to do that in the past.

Through all that, I did have a goal that was attainable and realistic: If I didn't have family when I come of age, I would be an accomplished worker with a really good job. I job that holds me in high regard, I wanted my opinions to matter professionaly. By that time, I also would have a stable income and a place of my own. I will have time and have the means to help my parents and my brothers. The social security in ph is almost useless and I specifically sought to be able to help maintain my parent's lifestyle even beyond their prime years. I longed to host my family's vacations, perhaps to a beautiful but expensive place such as EU without them having to worry about the spending. I myself wanted to travel and most of all I wanted to just give back.

In my mind, it was clear, I WILL earn well and I WILL live well. My determination had been unshakeable. I had my sights to live and earn in a peaceful and progressive country that welcomes my abilities. Back then, New Zealand was my future.

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The least of things with a meaning are worth more in life
than the greatest of things without it. -Carl Jung-
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