Skydiving (Part 2): Reality Bites

So, having said much positive stuff in part 1, why in the world have I changed in so little time, and in so drastic a way?

LOVE.

As simple as that... I fell in love.

The first year had been the best of my life. It still is. I had been literally swept off my feet. I was mesmerized. I felt loved beyond any boundaries of distance, reason, time and space. We shared our dreams, and the lives we hoped to live in the future. Our futures met.

And then, the second year, reality sets in.

Perhaps my awareness has missed it happen, but it did. By now, I am whisked away very deeply into the dream that I had purposely chosen to set aside. It is a bit late when I realize that my chances for New Zealand have now become as slim as thread. Gradually, love has willed me to forego a careerwise successful life and I found myself pursuing the dream in the bubble, hoping and working and nurturing it so that it comes true and doesn't burst or fade away.

If only me and my love are pursuing the same dreams we shared in our first year. Little did I know, that my lover probably had not grown the same way I did. I had believed that I had been the reason he came to my country. Just like the dream in the bubble, it burst in a short span of three months. He now lives his dream of working in another country, bit by bit his reasons for coming to ph change, and I sat by helpless just watching it unfold before my eyes. He loves me, but he forgets. I have felt, for a time, he struggled to see a reason for me in his life.

I had to learn a bitter truth, he has found his niche without me. The dream job, the attention and the beautiful women, his longings have changed and I probably will never be enough for him. The moment I sensed it, I worked so hard to physically attain the impossible in a span of one month. I lost the kilos I aimed to lose and I wore my dream clothes again. I've turned heads when I walk the streets and I know I am attractive to men but unfortunately, not to the one man I cared most to see it. Somehow I feel deficient to this one man who mattered most. It is a fact I accepted with much humility, grief and episodes of depression. I found myself in a constant struggle for my self-esteem.

In my quest for enlightenment, this blog has helped me more than I can tell you. It comforts me to think that I have a witness somewhere in the wilderness and I am beginning to find some meaning again. I have at least another vision of myself, an new self-perception, and I remember the person that I am. Self-assured but not arrogant, independent but emotionally available, perhaps a bit awkward in love but still happy nonetheless. I want to figure out what to do now with my dreams at least, new zealand could be out of reach but I also don't want to stay in the rut and stagnate at my bureau. I feel it, a whole life waits for me out there. I want to dance, I want to travel, I want to love, and I want to live!

I don't want to chain him with our promises to each other. Freedom was at stake for him for a time. Well, I have set him free of those promises. I would rather have a man who gives himself to me freely. I don't want to expect more than what he can give. I am glad to see, he is honestly willing to do the tango with me (because it takes two to tango). I know I am not getting any younger, but life is where my heart is. The only thing that I want to do now is to be closer where he is. To love him, before the love fades away. I would rather risk pain than wonder for a lifetime what could have been. For as long as I can cope with all the aches, I tend to give love freely.

Indeed, the best things in life, afterall, are FREE.

I had a sms once:
You gotta dance, like no one is watching
Dream, like you'll live forever
Live, like you're gonna die tomorrow,
and Love... like it's never gonna hurt

I now once again, realize, I am stubborn in love. It's like skydiving. As for the little dreams I had, I must find a way to revive them Or make new ones.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

So off, I will go. Into an unknown future, my confidence lies only on that fact that God will never leave me to face my struggles alone. After solidifying my resolve, I went to the mall and finally booked my plane ticket to Manila.

So help me God!

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The least of things with a meaning are worth more in life
than the greatest of things without it. -Carl Jung-
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