Inner Battles (Part2): Resolution

It is bittersweet.

End of July I hesitantly worked on the additional papers. First week here in manila, I had to go to my central office for some courtesy calls. Second week, I decided not to go there anymore, that was not my reason for being here afterall. I am on a 1-month vacation. I was here to be with my one and only and as a sideline, to process papers for NZ whether it pushes through or not. Professionally, people think this may be out of my league. People seldom see this side of me, to find something fulfilling in simple things such as taking care of him.

I had no more cash for NZ by the way, it's a good excuse not to push through with it and just stay here. hehehe. Just when I am here with my one and only where I want to be, something comes up and makes it a dream. What an IRONY!

Ok, Let God decide, as faith has it: if it is His will, then He always opens the way. Just when I don't seem to want NZ anymore, it is being given to me. Life... it just gets more complicated.

What were my reasons for NZ anyway:

1. Respect. Not that I don't have any, Ijust want to make something of myself and I want my opinions to matter.

2. Better welfare. When I grow old, I will have gained a better pension, or maybe I can afford to invest in something like that wherever that may be not just for me but for everyone I love.

3. I work with better pay, better conditions. I expect the work may be gruelling, but 2 months in NZ gives me what I would have in a year of the same work in Ph. With this, I can help out my folks and have something extra not just for my enjoyment but for everyone I love. With that, I won't feel as if I'm wasting myself helping big companies make money for themselves.

Anyway. I do my best. I do have some legitimate fears, because, when I hatched this plan to NZ three years ago I had nothing to lose, becuase I did not have a boyfriend back then and I wouldn't feel as if I'm leaving something really worth my while. All I had in my mind was that my parents were not getting any younger, and I would like to at least give back to them the things and the comfort of the life they have given me while they still can enjoy it. Here comes the present, life gave me someone to love. Suddenly, there is just so much I could lose.

I also want to get married and have kids, it is just that right now I'm on my own in that tango, so that seems a long way off.

*sigh* where is God taking me? At least He knows what He is doing even when I don't know what I'm doing. Wedding bells are not yet in order. My one and only doesn't want it (yet). Maybe he can't decide whether he wants 'forever' with me? so maybe God thought it is better to bring me to NZ and help me make something of myself in the meantime. Yup, my one and only can be just as stubborn as me but I just know (even if he doesn't) God works inside him too.

Actually, I can't wait to get through NZ and then back again to the waiting arms of my one and only. I love this guy very much. Much more than I can admit. The thing is, respect fades away when I live always under his shadow... MAN is a 'giddy' thing afterall. So please Lord give him faith and let his heart remain steadfast. I aim to be just in time, for us to go to visit his hometown next year just as we planned to do. Just like the song goes... Don't let the love fade away no matter what people say.

Life is short. I already know how I want to spend the rest of it, I am counting that Life would realize it soon.

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The least of things with a meaning are worth more in life
than the greatest of things without it. -Carl Jung-
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Inner Battles (Part1): New Zealand

My inner battle wages on.

I finally got my medical exam results yesterday. A big brown envelop (with the film from my x-ray test inside it). I am really curious what's inside but they said i must not open it. I remember signing a 12-page document with many blanks for the doctors, I think that is the document that's inside the big envelop along with the rest of my lab results. I do have a copy of the rest my lab results. Whew... I am very healthy.

Just when I was about to give up a dream... New Zealand, again I am being helped by a few helping hands. Just like before, when I wanted to go to Holland way back in 2002, I was planning it for a whole 2 years (2001-2002) and doing everything but it seemed that it just can't be done, something always comes up that makes it just a dream. Just when I gave up on it, around January of 2002 other people were working on it for me, my aunts... my grandma... my parents. The only thing I had to do was file my leave from the office, and then, before I knew it, I was there in May 2002.

Last year, it was my one and only who helped a lot. I just had to make good on the consular interview. When I want to go out, some helping hand comes into scene. It seems I am fortunate all the time.

And at present, this is another story. I've always wanted to go and work (and live) in NZ. It was a plan I had after my closure with my ex-boyfriend. I remember telling myself: the next time I lose in love I don't want to be lost and in the dark and empty. Nevermind if I am lost and in the dark, just don't let me be empty inside myself. At least, it would give me some comfort that I have achieved something for me.

When my one and only was still in Holland, he helped me a bit with half of the financial demands of this plan. Then last year, this plan went silent it seemed that it was taking so long and then forgotten for a while. These days, I had wished it would not push through. Afterall, what is all I have achieved for, if I have nobody to share it with.

My one and only had wanted to come here to my country and work here while waiting for it. I guess we thought it would take longer than two years to process. He planned to follow to NZ when I have made the initial move there. So, he came here oblivious to the changes that could happen to him here. Time is too fast it seems. You know, he has just started working in April, it has been a like a crash course and now he is living his dream at last, here in my country. I am happy for him. Like me, he wanted to live and work in another country.

I now think he will not follow me to NZ. Sad bit for me.

Just when that realization came, what a darned timing, my expression of interest at the new zealand immigration service comes through. I received the approval and was given only three months to comply all their requirements. Life... it gets confusing.

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The least of things with a meaning are worth more in life
than the greatest of things without it. -Carl Jung-
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Growing Pains

I am now in manila. I must say I am shocked by the culture here, in Ermita at least. The bars everywhere and the booze and the women. Although the oppurtunities are high, people are too caught up in stereotypes and the status quo. It is sometimes funny, at other times just nothing short of insulting.

I am slowly adjusting. Perhaps it is too slow, it might have been easier if I were alone and had not to think about how that adjustment moods might affect my one and only. Sometimes I'm so down, sometimes so alone in my world. I have newly met some "acquaintances". I can't say we have much in common, except that we have a foreigner for a boyfriend or a husband. Would it have been easier dealing with people around if I had been renting a bedspace or so. A place where I can come home and feel really cozy whether by myself or with some company, a homey place where I don't expect anybody esle to be around to see how down or how up I am that moment.

The bars are not my life and can never be. It is not becuase I don't enjoy it, actually I do, just not all the time. It seems the acquiantances I meet there are rather superficial. I would probably be more fulfilled helping people in a refugee camp. There I would genuinely be appreciated for who I am. I don't think I mean anything at all to people I meet in the bars. Right now, they "accept" me because I have a foreigner for a boyfriend. I hate that feeling. In retrospect, I think I can give those superficial friendships a chance, who knows, some might turn out to be genuine and sincere. Not that I go to the bars every night or so. I just don't want to play fake.

Sometimes, it is a bit sad for me though. I just see how my one and only is so very happy and enjoying in those places. One time, I doubted so much if I can give him the same enjoyment. We had a misunderstanding because of that. He could not get why I felt a bit down. It is just the thought that I cannot make him happy as his new friends can. They have something in common, they can stay out in a bar until the wee hours of the morning. I can do that, but not as often as they. Who am I to stop him from what he enjoys so immensely? When I tried to talk to him about it he simply could not get what I mean, he needed some examples for it. Well, I don't take notes about the specific days so I cannot give him any.

Last evening he forcefully says to me... "I got my own life too, huh".

Yup, that is right, he does have his own. Does that mean he doesn't want to be part of mine? Then what in the world am I doing in manila?

It is just tough hearing that from a person who happens to be my only reason for coming to a place I am still really trying to like.

Sometimes, I do like Ermita (manila for that matter). If you have the money, you will never get bored here. And then that is just it, things seem too superficial. It's like a jungle, you don't know if the mammals come to you for curiosity or company, OR if they want to bite you because you're so juicy for the moment.

Tonight, the options were either, we watch a movie and then go to juri's or we have dinner at a korean joint. A few minutes before that, an sms from a filipina married to a belgian guy came, asking what was the plan tonight. She is my potential new friend, but for her to be that friend for me, I prefer to meet her somewhere "neutral", not in the night scene where she has all the comfort levels already while I still have to give "double effort" to earn some respect.

Nat had wanted to sleep. We thought we would wait an hour and then go to a movie then maybe to Juri's. Well as it turns out Lex, me and my one and only were a bit too late for the movie. The only option left was go to a movie and miss around ten minutes of that start and then go to Juri's after. OR just go to Juri's. I know, if we go to Juri's we'd end around the wee hours of the morning again. There was no option to stay home.

And if I had proposed it, that was just tantamount to keeping him from his enjoyment. I want him to be happy. Besides, it is the last evening for Alex and Nat in the Philippines, tomorrow evening, they go home to NL. If only my one and only saw himself tonight, how "excited" he was that he was going to Juri's. I had to mention to him that I can see his feet almost wants to run.

God, what I would give to see him just as excited as that, to be just home with me.


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The least of things with a meaning are worth more in life
than the greatest of things without it. -Carl Jung-
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