Keep It Alive And Lively
God, how can life be heavy sometimes and why can't I just cast my cares to the wind. Sometimes I get frustrated with all the constraints and concerns that I have to consider in all my decisions. I feel I am hampered all the way, however I must learn to take care of my state of mind.
~o~o~o~o~ THE CHICKEN SKIN ~o~o~o~o~
Yesterday, I spoke to my supervisor about taking an indefinite leave from office stating that I want to go in line with my course, IT. He had supported me on that and told me, yes the office can grant you indefinite leave without pay until March 2007. I was very glad to hear that.
Actually, the foremost reason I have in Manila is because I want to be closer to my greatest love at least before I leave for NZ. I have found a life in Manila. It's not a fairy tale bed of roses but I have found how it is to be alive and living. It is a wonderful life with someone.
Today, I received a message from my consultant in Cebu, he faxed me a letter from the NZIS and it stated that the time the validation process will take is a case to case basis, it is expected that I will be advised about the decision of the NZIS by March 11, 2007. All my papers are retained at Beijing for verification purposes, that means they will indeed conduct a thorough investigation. March 2007... it gives me goosebumps (chicken skin) because that is also the date that my supervisor has allowed for my case when we had a conversation a day ago. How it all coincideda and I take that as a good sign... a blessing.
~o~o~o~o~ ON 'SUCCESS' ~o~o~o~o~
I dreaded telling my family about my plans because I know they cannot help but comment about my decisions. In this day and age, I not only deal with my hopes and fears but theirs as well. At least right now I am able to speak out unlike before when they refuse to see me as an adult. I want to be in Manila before I go to New Zealand. I thought, if I fail with this new zealand immigration process then please just let me fail. In truth, I can assess now, the chances for new zealand is indeed shaky if I wait out in some other place (manila for instance) and some other work than with the current employment I have now for six years.
I feel it downto my bones, I cannot stay in the same office and in the same house and in the same city for much longer. Here, I just feel all my frustrations pile up. The sooner I get out the better and I would be able to retain some of the momentum I've made in Manila. Besides, in the recent communication with my consultant, it clearly stated that if NZIS has concerns about my application I will have an opportunity to comment before a decision is made. I am counting on that. I have to inform nzis of any changes in my circumstances. This clause in that particular communication is another good sign.
If there is something I learned, success is relative. Most people don't look at themselves the same way with regards to 'success'. It is indeed a state of mind. Even my favorite poet had said:
To laugh often and much,
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier
because you lived,
This is to have succeded.
(- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Success")
Some years ago, I viewed success as having the profession and the status to afford the comforts I want to give to myself and my family. Today, I view the same, but definitely with the special someone that has come my way. If only I can have both. I am sometimes deeply torn, because I know deep inside myself that I now view success with the one person I want to share it with.
Otherwise, it's all empty.
~o~o~o~o~ THE WAVES INSIDE ME ~o~o~o~o~
Though I know it will make some waves, I revealed this nz paper to family because I care about them and I want to share what is going on in my life. Besides, it also affects them because my ability to help out in the future dwells on the decisions I make. Again, I had to gently but firmly fend off some impositions (expressed as 'suggestions') to stay in the same place and work in the same place until March 2007. NO. I had to insist again on my plan to return to Manila. Right now, again, I have just finished debating about an "either/or" predicament: Lose my time with him 'til March 2007 for assurance of New Zealand OR lose assurance of New Zealand for some time with my greatest love. Though I won this debate for now, the "either/or" does have a grain of truth. God! this is so ~#&^%$*@...
What I consider really important right now is for me honor what I agreed to do with someone I can't bare to lose. I want to be with him forever (and a day!). I never imagined that I would find it so fulfilling taking care and just being there for any man besides family. But for him, I do and he is worth all that I'm risking. When new zealand pushes through, I know inside myself that he will always be the one, and that he stays in my heart even when I am miles away. I will cherish every moment and bring them with me to nz. I don't know though if I will still be in his heart for God-knows-how-long New Zealand takes. It's his life and he has found a nice life in ph. When the life is going good and lively, when everybody and everything seems to be there, a person can easily forget. I feel helpless at the possibility that I can be forgotten after a few months away, only to be remembered when life gets a bit rough and lonely. Oh, not even when lonely because he has plenty of company.
I want to be with him because it may be my only chance. Only time can tell when he finds another life and probably with somebody else. I am not in a conjugal position as to be so secure about forever, that fairy tale. The foundation of our "we" is there but when new zealand pushes through, he would live his life in ph and I in nz. That is two separate lives, two lines that was once one but now forms a letter "Y". I cannot control somebody else's life and I don't want to lose the magic of allowing him make his choices. I can only pray that his love for me and his faith is stronger than the distractions in his little world, that he would keep a special place for me somewhere inside him where no one else can touch.
In my struggle right now... I write only for wishful thinking, hope, and self-preservation.
~o~o~o~o~ HAVING FAITH ~o~o~o~o~
Who knows what will happen next. Life is really too short and the greatest fear I have is having to spend it alone, and lonely. Now I have found someone I want to spend not just a lifetime with. So, before I will forever regret not having taken any chances, I want to take my chances in manila with the person I love now and not in March 2007. I've always been courageous especially when I am sure it's where both my heart and my mind is. Courageous and just downright stubborn.
Why does God give me these?... These choices, that are too tough. I know also, that if I carelessly sacrifice my chances for New Zealand and it happens in my unmarried future that my relationship fades because of the distance, I will be truly empty. Not just my in heart, but my reputation in tatters as well. I will have no face to show society nor my own family for that matter. I will have to face the consequences on my own. But indeed I am stubborn in love. I do give everything, and this time it IS everything. So please Lord, right now, let not this "living-together" thing be just a test, please set the path in place for us, our future together wherever that might be.
It takes a strong decision us, please help us both keep our love alive.
~o~o~o~o~ MUST ENJOY THE TANGO ~o~o~o~o~
When I look at it from a far perspective, it really shouldn't be this heavy. It should be in fact very exciting. New Zealand is not an end in itself, it is simply a step which can come or not come. If new zealand pushes through, it could only become better for us. On the other hand, if New Zealand doesn't push through then there must be other plans for both me and my one and only... for "us". I can be in manila and look for other opportunities, I can get a contract in some other place or I can migrate somewhere else with a sponsor or whenever "we" decide to do so and God allows it. The point is, there is a "we".
I now believe that when one is happy, "success" comes with it. I am inspired and I feel I can be capable of anything. I am very happy with him, and hopefully he is just as happy with me. If God plants us wherever in the world and whatever the circumstances, I pray that despite all the ups and the downs there will be a happy "we" and that we would have attained "success" two-gether.
That... is be the best tango, ever.
~o~o~o~o~ THE CHICKEN SKIN ~o~o~o~o~
Yesterday, I spoke to my supervisor about taking an indefinite leave from office stating that I want to go in line with my course, IT. He had supported me on that and told me, yes the office can grant you indefinite leave without pay until March 2007. I was very glad to hear that.
Actually, the foremost reason I have in Manila is because I want to be closer to my greatest love at least before I leave for NZ. I have found a life in Manila. It's not a fairy tale bed of roses but I have found how it is to be alive and living. It is a wonderful life with someone.
Today, I received a message from my consultant in Cebu, he faxed me a letter from the NZIS and it stated that the time the validation process will take is a case to case basis, it is expected that I will be advised about the decision of the NZIS by March 11, 2007. All my papers are retained at Beijing for verification purposes, that means they will indeed conduct a thorough investigation. March 2007... it gives me goosebumps (chicken skin) because that is also the date that my supervisor has allowed for my case when we had a conversation a day ago. How it all coincideda and I take that as a good sign... a blessing.
~o~o~o~o~ ON 'SUCCESS' ~o~o~o~o~
I dreaded telling my family about my plans because I know they cannot help but comment about my decisions. In this day and age, I not only deal with my hopes and fears but theirs as well. At least right now I am able to speak out unlike before when they refuse to see me as an adult. I want to be in Manila before I go to New Zealand. I thought, if I fail with this new zealand immigration process then please just let me fail. In truth, I can assess now, the chances for new zealand is indeed shaky if I wait out in some other place (manila for instance) and some other work than with the current employment I have now for six years.
I feel it downto my bones, I cannot stay in the same office and in the same house and in the same city for much longer. Here, I just feel all my frustrations pile up. The sooner I get out the better and I would be able to retain some of the momentum I've made in Manila. Besides, in the recent communication with my consultant, it clearly stated that if NZIS has concerns about my application I will have an opportunity to comment before a decision is made. I am counting on that. I have to inform nzis of any changes in my circumstances. This clause in that particular communication is another good sign.
If there is something I learned, success is relative. Most people don't look at themselves the same way with regards to 'success'. It is indeed a state of mind. Even my favorite poet had said:
To laugh often and much,
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier
because you lived,
This is to have succeded.
(- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Success")
Some years ago, I viewed success as having the profession and the status to afford the comforts I want to give to myself and my family. Today, I view the same, but definitely with the special someone that has come my way. If only I can have both. I am sometimes deeply torn, because I know deep inside myself that I now view success with the one person I want to share it with.
Otherwise, it's all empty.
~o~o~o~o~ THE WAVES INSIDE ME ~o~o~o~o~
Though I know it will make some waves, I revealed this nz paper to family because I care about them and I want to share what is going on in my life. Besides, it also affects them because my ability to help out in the future dwells on the decisions I make. Again, I had to gently but firmly fend off some impositions (expressed as 'suggestions') to stay in the same place and work in the same place until March 2007. NO. I had to insist again on my plan to return to Manila. Right now, again, I have just finished debating about an "either/or" predicament: Lose my time with him 'til March 2007 for assurance of New Zealand OR lose assurance of New Zealand for some time with my greatest love. Though I won this debate for now, the "either/or" does have a grain of truth. God! this is so ~#&^%$*@...
What I consider really important right now is for me honor what I agreed to do with someone I can't bare to lose. I want to be with him forever (and a day!). I never imagined that I would find it so fulfilling taking care and just being there for any man besides family. But for him, I do and he is worth all that I'm risking. When new zealand pushes through, I know inside myself that he will always be the one, and that he stays in my heart even when I am miles away. I will cherish every moment and bring them with me to nz. I don't know though if I will still be in his heart for God-knows-how-long New Zealand takes. It's his life and he has found a nice life in ph. When the life is going good and lively, when everybody and everything seems to be there, a person can easily forget. I feel helpless at the possibility that I can be forgotten after a few months away, only to be remembered when life gets a bit rough and lonely. Oh, not even when lonely because he has plenty of company.
I want to be with him because it may be my only chance. Only time can tell when he finds another life and probably with somebody else. I am not in a conjugal position as to be so secure about forever, that fairy tale. The foundation of our "we" is there but when new zealand pushes through, he would live his life in ph and I in nz. That is two separate lives, two lines that was once one but now forms a letter "Y". I cannot control somebody else's life and I don't want to lose the magic of allowing him make his choices. I can only pray that his love for me and his faith is stronger than the distractions in his little world, that he would keep a special place for me somewhere inside him where no one else can touch.
In my struggle right now... I write only for wishful thinking, hope, and self-preservation.
~o~o~o~o~ HAVING FAITH ~o~o~o~o~
Who knows what will happen next. Life is really too short and the greatest fear I have is having to spend it alone, and lonely. Now I have found someone I want to spend not just a lifetime with. So, before I will forever regret not having taken any chances, I want to take my chances in manila with the person I love now and not in March 2007. I've always been courageous especially when I am sure it's where both my heart and my mind is. Courageous and just downright stubborn.
Why does God give me these?... These choices, that are too tough. I know also, that if I carelessly sacrifice my chances for New Zealand and it happens in my unmarried future that my relationship fades because of the distance, I will be truly empty. Not just my in heart, but my reputation in tatters as well. I will have no face to show society nor my own family for that matter. I will have to face the consequences on my own. But indeed I am stubborn in love. I do give everything, and this time it IS everything. So please Lord, right now, let not this "living-together" thing be just a test, please set the path in place for us, our future together wherever that might be.
It takes a strong decision us, please help us both keep our love alive.
~o~o~o~o~ MUST ENJOY THE TANGO ~o~o~o~o~
When I look at it from a far perspective, it really shouldn't be this heavy. It should be in fact very exciting. New Zealand is not an end in itself, it is simply a step which can come or not come. If new zealand pushes through, it could only become better for us. On the other hand, if New Zealand doesn't push through then there must be other plans for both me and my one and only... for "us". I can be in manila and look for other opportunities, I can get a contract in some other place or I can migrate somewhere else with a sponsor or whenever "we" decide to do so and God allows it. The point is, there is a "we".
I now believe that when one is happy, "success" comes with it. I am inspired and I feel I can be capable of anything. I am very happy with him, and hopefully he is just as happy with me. If God plants us wherever in the world and whatever the circumstances, I pray that despite all the ups and the downs there will be a happy "we" and that we would have attained "success" two-gether.
That... is be the best tango, ever.
~ o ~
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The least of things with a meaning are worth more in life
than the greatest of things without it. -Carl Jung-
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posted by Gaille @ 9/23/2006 03:21:00 AM
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